Swimming Lessons
A sharing of newfound wisdom
The snowy streets of Boston have been replaced by fallen petals, a lingering sweet pollen scent filling every corner. I’ve tossed my snow boots under my bed, switching ballet flats each day. My puffer has been retired to the hallway closet.
This semester started with a bang, if you consider a breakup three days in one. Cliché or not, I had a lot to learn, not only in the classroom but also in the school of life. This semester is ending with a bang, too: a party in my cramped two-bedroom apartment (technically a one-bedroom split) hosted by my roommate and me. When you have no choice but to change, it becomes essential, like breathing. You find yourself drowning until, magically, you relearn how to swim.
I am a new girl compared to the one who came back here in January. I have a job, a semi-impressive one in the field of work study, and new best friends, and I've gotten really great at making pasta sauce with tofu. I’m chronically offline and have to redownload Instagram when I have to post something. I got back into reading, fashion, and reruns of 2000s teen crime dramas. I hang out with people I always convinced myself hated me (and I turn out to be wrong), and I have a reputation for being fitted up regardless of the day.
My new philosophy in life has formed as these months come to a close: give the world all the love you can, and it will return to you tenfold.
I am a bit of a go-getter, and I will be graduating with my bachelor’s degree a year early, making next year my final year at my university. When I got in nearly four years ago, and with a scholarship, it felt like a dream come true. However, I have been dealt a lot of cards that have made it hard for me to enjoy my time here. When reflecting on this semester, though, I didn’t totally hate it. Instead, I had a lot of great memories glimmering in a sea of horrible times, all because this semester has brought me closer to some of the most incredible people I have ever met.
Though I have no regrets about planning to cut my time here short, I am grateful for how many special people have come into my life in such a short time.
As this treacherous yet rewarding time comes to a close, I will impart my newfound wisdom to you all, free of the cost of the tumultuous emotional battle I endured.
Lessons in … love
The mysterious and all-consuming feeling hit me like a truck and then ran over multiple times before cutting me loose. While I will be remaining rather vague on the circumstances of my split (because a. I’m not ready to write it out and b. I have so much care for my ex and want to respect his privacy), I will be sharing my most important lessons with you.
A. Sometimes love isn’t enough
You can love someone with all your heart and have it just not be enough to keep you two together. It sounds simple that way, but it is a hard thing to grapple with, because as much as we are taught to believe love conquers all in books and movies, loving someone hard cannot “fix” everything. Some things love can help, but never heal, and as hard as it is to understand, sometimes letting go is what is best for both of you. In the words of Dove Ellis, in a song I listened to a lot towards the end of our relationship: “Love is not the antidote to all your problems.”
B. My Breakup Survival Kit
In trying to relieve myself of deep emotional pain, I found many crutches to help me stay up on two feet (though the only true cure is time and processing your emotions). Firstly, find something you can do purely for yourself. For me, this was getting into hot yoga. The time you are required to give yourself to take a workout class (in my case) is time devoted to your own soul, which doesn’t benefit anyone else. This gave me a sense of control I lacked. Second, read, read, read, and then read again. Read everywhere, and you will never feel alone. Finally, being alone is only scary if you let it be. My biggest fear has always been ending up alone in life, but in having more free time, I began to find joy in doing things alone. The first step is always the hardest.
C. Grief is hard to shake
I would be lying if I said I was fully healed, if I magically found the cure-all miracle drug that makes you forget how great it is to feel seen by someone you adore. As someone who has experienced grieving after losing my father, I know better than anyone that grief is a feeling that comes in waves. Some days, you are on cloud nine, and some days, the world is out to get you at every turn. While grief and breakups obviously have their distinct differences, they are both rollercoasters, and both only end with peace with time.
Lessons in … friendship
A. Some people come with expiration dates
Trust, I have dealt with many confusing friendship splits, and I have also had many friends I have loved since I was four years old, which makes me a friendship expert. Some people aren’t fully equipped for all your life has to offer, and while it is hurtful, it is natural to outgrow people. It is natural to have people who come into your life for short periods of time. Some people will grow with you, but some find you when you need them and leave when you need to grow. In addition, you are not a bad person for leaving a relationship that no longer serves you.
B. Vulnerability is met with vulnerability
Many people crave closer relationships, and the only way to achieve the tight-knit relationships you crave is by opening up. It’s horrifying, but so is trying to put yourself out there at all. One of my best friends and I grew close because I was honest with her that I was struggling, and in return, she feels comfortable sharing her own struggles with me. Our quick bond was only made possible because I allowed her to see me in the way I desired to be. Once you allow yourself to be vulnerable, the people who will accept and love you at any stage come.
C. Friendship is the best medicine
The only thing that brought me any sort of relief on my hardest days was my friends, both near and far, who spent dinners, FaceTimes, and train adventures with me. I am a lucky gal to have so many special people in my life.
Lessons in … the music industry
Though I have spoken about my journey as a musician a bit on here, I have not revealed that my major is aptly called Professional Music, where I get to build my own course load, aided by the major-mandated classes on branding and building a business from the ground up. I will keep some things secret (duh), but I will leave you with three major takeaways:
A. Research, research, research
This semester, one of my finals required a business plan, which put me out of my depth entirely. I am someone who doesn’t really center money in my art, but it was eye-opening to really have to think about where my money is coming from, as well as who. Part of my plan was market research, which allowed me an opportunity to read up on the current financial state of my industry, as well as my target market. Even if you aren’t a musician, these trends are really helpful to have a grasp on.
B. Your brand should feel effortless
In finding my personal brand, I realized I didn’t really change anything, which is part of my “brand” identity: being authentic almost to a fault. In trying to stick out from others, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice who you are. You inherently are unique, so don’t force a persona that doesn’t represent you and your art.
C. The mind is a muscle you have to work out every day
I write every day, whether it be music, essays, or poetry, and sometimes it is really good, and more often than not, it’s quite middling. However, none of my “good” work comes without trial and error. Carve out the time for yourself each day to work out your creative muscle, and if it isn’t good, move on with your day with no regrets.
Lessons in … yourself
A. It is easier to lose yourself than to find yourself than to find it again
It is easy to lose sight of yourself; we’ve all been there at some point, whether we want to admit it or not. I lost myself, and my journey to feeling like me took a lot of commitment and trust. I had to carve out time to relight my spark, and that is a choice in and of itself. In a journey to find yourself, you have to choose to do so, but you also have to be willing to agree to the time it takes.
B. Find what makes you feel good & commit to it
At my lowest points this year, I still had one thing that kept me remotely sane: carefully crafting outfits that expressed my inner sparkle. While I might have felt like I was dying, wearing a fun outfit to class or work not only gave the illusion that I was put together, but made me inturn feel powerful. If this isn’t the case for you, find what it is and treat yourself to a little joy every day.
C. Listen to the advice you give others
I am a well of support for those I know, so why deny myself my own kindness? When I advise on tests, relationships, or friendship drama, I will never diminish their feelings, and instead tell them it’s normal to be stressed, it’s normal to be overwhelmed. Yet, I spend a lot of nights convinced I’m a horrible person and that I am crazy, which is not true. Once I started giving myself grace for my shortcomings or feelings, I was able to work past them rather than ruminate.
Other assorted lessons:
Changing your therapist can potentially be the best thing that can ever happen to you
Get off of social media!!!! I am TikTok-free and only return to Instagram when I have to post or respond to a DM, and I am a much happier person. This was a step I took in regulating my anxiety, and it really helped.
Do not count calories. Just don’t. More on this lesson sometime soon.
Things that inspired me this week:
Rewatching Veronica Mars because her style was impeccable
Late July Jalepeño Lime Tortilla Chips
My Last Innocent Year by Daisy Albert Florin
Really big green grapes
Saying things like “Mama has a final” or “Mama needs a coffee” because it makes me feel funny
Happy #talkingsecret Friday! If you’re reading this, finals did not kill me, and I am a free agent (until my summer semester starts in two weeks)! I drank a lot of diet soda and did a lot of complaining, so I thought I’d spare you the boredom of my week with some things that matter to me <3 I hope you can take something special out of this & that this summer brings nothing but joy to you all!
In addition… I have a show in two weeks! In New York City! Sharing all unreleased works & I’m so nervous & excited! You can get tickets here!
So much love from me,
xoxoxoxo Maia
Yayyyyyyy
you are an absolute superstar in the way you come back swinging after pain and heartbreak. this piece is so lovely.